I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
