I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
