wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
