I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
