Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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