period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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