Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
