If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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