Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
