I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
