My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
