what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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