SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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