I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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