First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
