hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
what day is it and did you see me today?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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