There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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