Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
