Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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