My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
