So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
