It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
