I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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