I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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