why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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