I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
