I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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