Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
