I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
