Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
