someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
