I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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