you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
