I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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