I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
