I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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