I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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