as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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