I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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