She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
