I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
