Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
This is classic penis vs brain.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
