if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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