after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment