If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.