Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.