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can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
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