What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.