Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
