i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
