My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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