I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
