Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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