I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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