So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
