I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
