Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
