their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
