I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
