then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
