All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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